Oh, sweet blog...it's so good to be back. I've noticed that just like with friends who I have a lot of catching up to do with, sometimes I avoid writing because they're so much to write about. I'm trusting that you won't hold it against me, as I'm guessing I'm not the only one who functions like that.
A quick update on us:
-I'm pregnant.
-Ben started a new job.
-Grant's getting tubes in his ears.
-We're moving to Sweden.
Kidding about the move. But Sweden sounds good knowing that we're approaching summer in North Central Texas.
So yes, I'm preggers with Baby Hoov #2. Due on October 30th...making me 12 weeks along tomorrow. We're excited. Haven't been too sick with this one. Only occasionally. Just more tired and moody. And I always feel like eating Chicken Express. And call me weird or granola or whatever you'd like, but the plan is to:
A. Not find out the sex of this baby until he/she has been expelled from my uterus and
B. Have a totally natural, unmedicated childbirth.
And yes, Ben started a new job. So proud of him and thankful for this opportunity!!! He is one of two practicing attorneys at The Nix Law Firm and doing personal injury, a little bit of defense work, and a few other legal odds and ends. So if you're in need of a good attorney, give him a little ringy-ding. You don't get a more hard-working, ethical, studly and handsome (but he's taken) guy than him.
And yes, Grant is getting tubes probably next month. Poor kid. He's a breeding ground for ear infections, viruses, and any other contagious bacteria you can think of. He'll probably win the perfect attendance award in grade school though while all of the other kids are out sick building up their immune system. He's already one step ahead of the the rest ;)
And no, we're not moving to my homeland, Sweden (or as I like to claim. I am approximately l/3 Swedish.) We're still living in the same wonderful old house. Next project: adding storage so we can make room for Baby Hoov #2. Grant will be moved to the bigger bedroom in the front of the house...that is currently full of LOTS OF SH.TUFF. In all of our free time, we will attempt to rip out one of the walls in the back mud room and replace it with wooden cabinets along the top and bottom of the wall with a countertop in between. And I'd like to add in bench seating and new windows....so one of you, hurry up and get into trouble and hire Ben as your attorney so we can afford to do this project. Kidding, kidding.
I promise it won't be as long between posts. For my sake. I like blogging. I hope you like reading.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
I HEART Monday afternoons
I HEART Mondays, especially around 12:30 p.m. It means that I'm off (because I always have Mondays off), that Grant is fed, he is in his room either napping or gearing up for a nap, Ben has just come home home to grab lunch on his way to play a pick-up game of b-ball, and if the weather is nice, it means that Grant, Scout and I have already been on a morning walk around the neighborhood and have played in the backyard.
And I particularly HEART this Monday afternoon because I'm sitting in my favorite spot in our house. It's on my bed, next to two corner windows that overlook our backyard. And between 11 a and 2 p.m., the sun perfectly shines down into this particular spot, creating a pocket of warmth and sunshine...reminiscent of a late spring day.
I just finished reading today's devotion in a book I HEART...Jesus Calling...Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young. If you're looking for a great, short daily devotion, I HIGHLY recommend it. Honestly, there hasn't been a day I read it that I haven't thought, "hmmm...how perfectly planned that I read that today." Probably because it's written like Jesus is talking to you about relaxing, trusting Him, and enjoying all of who He is.
As I was sitting, relaxing, and letting Jesus love on me a few minutes ago, I found myself literally leaning off the bed just at the right angle to catch the sun's rays hitting me square in the face. When I opened my eyes, I started laughing. I don't know how long I had been sitting like that, about to fall off of the bed. My face was pink...I think I may have even gotten a little sunburned. But basking in the sun felt so good!
Used to, the old Meagan wouldn't have had time to sit and enjoy a little peace, quiet, and love. I would have felt lazy...like I wasn't using my time wisely because my to-do list was not fully checked off. Nope...not any more. I've found that when I take a moment to bask in the sun...I mean Son...'s glory, it is far more productive to my soul than anything else on my to-do list.
So, if you wouldn't mind excusing me, I'm going to get back to catching some of the Son's rays. They make me feel pretty peaceful.
And I particularly HEART this Monday afternoon because I'm sitting in my favorite spot in our house. It's on my bed, next to two corner windows that overlook our backyard. And between 11 a and 2 p.m., the sun perfectly shines down into this particular spot, creating a pocket of warmth and sunshine...reminiscent of a late spring day.
I just finished reading today's devotion in a book I HEART...Jesus Calling...Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young. If you're looking for a great, short daily devotion, I HIGHLY recommend it. Honestly, there hasn't been a day I read it that I haven't thought, "hmmm...how perfectly planned that I read that today." Probably because it's written like Jesus is talking to you about relaxing, trusting Him, and enjoying all of who He is.
As I was sitting, relaxing, and letting Jesus love on me a few minutes ago, I found myself literally leaning off the bed just at the right angle to catch the sun's rays hitting me square in the face. When I opened my eyes, I started laughing. I don't know how long I had been sitting like that, about to fall off of the bed. My face was pink...I think I may have even gotten a little sunburned. But basking in the sun felt so good!
Used to, the old Meagan wouldn't have had time to sit and enjoy a little peace, quiet, and love. I would have felt lazy...like I wasn't using my time wisely because my to-do list was not fully checked off. Nope...not any more. I've found that when I take a moment to bask in the sun...I mean Son...'s glory, it is far more productive to my soul than anything else on my to-do list.
So, if you wouldn't mind excusing me, I'm going to get back to catching some of the Son's rays. They make me feel pretty peaceful.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Ready to start again
I have never been so ready for that ball to drop in Times Square to start a new year as I was this year at 12 a.m. eastern time (we celebrate an hour early so we can go to bed). Seriously. I chopped off all of my hair on December 29th just to give me a running start. And p.s., it's really cute.
Designing Christmas cards was not my favorite holiday activity this year. Every day, I would check the mailbox and we would get the MOST PRECIOUS cards from friends and family. Like, picture-perfect, printed-professionally, even-the-three-month-old-kid-is-smiling cards. Our card consisted of three pictures - one of the three of us smiling, one of Grant holding a football and looking away from the camera, and one of Grant throwing a fit, sliding off of the chair he was supposed to sit on with the "Merry Christmas" sign he was supposed to hold laying on the ground below him. That's real life around here. I kept telling Ben I really felt like we needed to have a Bible verse on our card since we ARE celebrating Jesus' birth. He asked me which one I wanted to add to the card. We couldn't help but crack up when all I could come up with were verses from the Psalms like "Oh Lord, why have you turned your back on me? I cry out in desolation..." What I wouldn't give to see peoples faces when they opened our Christmas card to see that.
I'm halfway joking. But seriously, this year...not my favorite. Let me give you a quick synopsis of the last two months of 2011.
The first burr under my saddle is our stupid wireless internet connection. In the grand scheme of things, it's NOT a big deal. But it's the little stuff that drives you crazy the quickest. I have spent at least 12 hours on the phone with AT&T the last two months because our wireless internet will drop signals for no reason. Twenty-five phone calls, 14,000 line checks, one new modem, 16 foreigner call center technicians, four local technicians, and a $260 Web Fire bill later, we STILL have a jacked-up internet signal.
I started a new job December 13th in Labor and Delivery. Love it. I think it's right up my alley. But the stress of a new job can be tiring.
I've been nauseous for about 6 months...plus have had some weird dizziness, fatigue, and (yay) weight loss. We have a pretty lengthy family history of something called Crohn's disease so one of my other docs wanted me to get checked out. I went to a GI specialist here in Wichita Falls who wanted me to have a colonoscopy, gastric emptying study, and upper GI scope. All done during my first week at my new job. I love having to eat radioactive oatmeal on my days off...don't you?! Sparing you of the details (in this post...;) my stomach empties a tad slow and which could make me nauseous. And I had yeast growing in my esophagus. Not contagious...but has to be treated. I'm good with the diagnosis. At first they thought my diabetes could be the culprit to my stomach issues but they're pretty certain that it's not. That's good news. But I had a lot to wrestle with emotionally, particularly about my diabetes, while waiting for the results.
Oh, and the day I had my colonoscopy and upper scope done, Ben had to take Grant to the doc because he had strep. And I failed to mention that I had to miss a Christmas party with all of our best friends because I was at home "cleansing" for my colonoscopy.
And talking about emotions...have had lots of difficult events...both past and present that have reared their ugly heads this year. Necessary to address, just not very fun.
And I got the flu two days before Christmas. While we were out of town. I felt like death with a 104 degree fever. I got better by Christmas...just in time to visit both families and make it back into town to work for a couple of days.
The day after Christmas, Grant projectile-vomitted on Ben in the middle of Market Street while we were grocery shopping. Then he did it again the second I laid him down in his nice, clean bed.
Two days later, I noticed that Scout (the dog) had tapeworms. So we got her de-worming medicine and refilled her Heart Guard prescription. It was $110. Gave her the medicine when we got home at 5:30 p.m. Four hours later, she puked on our living room rug. I haven't had the heart to check and see if her tapeworms are gone. I doubt it, since she didn't even have time to digest the medicine.
And the next day, you ask? Well...our water heater started spewing hot water out of the top. The plumber pronounced it dead-on-arrival and we spent $800 for a new lunk of metal in the closet that I so desperately wanted to install a tankless water heater in. Except I found out it was going to cost about $3200. So the same day our water heater died, so did my dream of getting a new closet to store linens in.
Am I complaining? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes. The last two months are a nice little snapshot of how I feel like the year has been. Full of trouble-shooting. Full of perseverance. Full of sickness. Yes, there have been little morsels of goodness along the way. I think God has given me those nudges through the year to help me make it through to 2012.
So, to 2011...I'm sure you're going to be a year I look back on with a love/hate relationship. Love because you made me grow. Hate because you really kind of sucked.
Here's to a new year. Thank God for new beginnings.
Designing Christmas cards was not my favorite holiday activity this year. Every day, I would check the mailbox and we would get the MOST PRECIOUS cards from friends and family. Like, picture-perfect, printed-professionally, even-the-three-month-old-kid-is-smiling cards. Our card consisted of three pictures - one of the three of us smiling, one of Grant holding a football and looking away from the camera, and one of Grant throwing a fit, sliding off of the chair he was supposed to sit on with the "Merry Christmas" sign he was supposed to hold laying on the ground below him. That's real life around here. I kept telling Ben I really felt like we needed to have a Bible verse on our card since we ARE celebrating Jesus' birth. He asked me which one I wanted to add to the card. We couldn't help but crack up when all I could come up with were verses from the Psalms like "Oh Lord, why have you turned your back on me? I cry out in desolation..." What I wouldn't give to see peoples faces when they opened our Christmas card to see that.
I'm halfway joking. But seriously, this year...not my favorite. Let me give you a quick synopsis of the last two months of 2011.
The first burr under my saddle is our stupid wireless internet connection. In the grand scheme of things, it's NOT a big deal. But it's the little stuff that drives you crazy the quickest. I have spent at least 12 hours on the phone with AT&T the last two months because our wireless internet will drop signals for no reason. Twenty-five phone calls, 14,000 line checks, one new modem, 16 foreigner call center technicians, four local technicians, and a $260 Web Fire bill later, we STILL have a jacked-up internet signal.
I started a new job December 13th in Labor and Delivery. Love it. I think it's right up my alley. But the stress of a new job can be tiring.
I've been nauseous for about 6 months...plus have had some weird dizziness, fatigue, and (yay) weight loss. We have a pretty lengthy family history of something called Crohn's disease so one of my other docs wanted me to get checked out. I went to a GI specialist here in Wichita Falls who wanted me to have a colonoscopy, gastric emptying study, and upper GI scope. All done during my first week at my new job. I love having to eat radioactive oatmeal on my days off...don't you?! Sparing you of the details (in this post...;) my stomach empties a tad slow and which could make me nauseous. And I had yeast growing in my esophagus. Not contagious...but has to be treated. I'm good with the diagnosis. At first they thought my diabetes could be the culprit to my stomach issues but they're pretty certain that it's not. That's good news. But I had a lot to wrestle with emotionally, particularly about my diabetes, while waiting for the results.
Oh, and the day I had my colonoscopy and upper scope done, Ben had to take Grant to the doc because he had strep. And I failed to mention that I had to miss a Christmas party with all of our best friends because I was at home "cleansing" for my colonoscopy.
And talking about emotions...have had lots of difficult events...both past and present that have reared their ugly heads this year. Necessary to address, just not very fun.
And I got the flu two days before Christmas. While we were out of town. I felt like death with a 104 degree fever. I got better by Christmas...just in time to visit both families and make it back into town to work for a couple of days.
The day after Christmas, Grant projectile-vomitted on Ben in the middle of Market Street while we were grocery shopping. Then he did it again the second I laid him down in his nice, clean bed.
Two days later, I noticed that Scout (the dog) had tapeworms. So we got her de-worming medicine and refilled her Heart Guard prescription. It was $110. Gave her the medicine when we got home at 5:30 p.m. Four hours later, she puked on our living room rug. I haven't had the heart to check and see if her tapeworms are gone. I doubt it, since she didn't even have time to digest the medicine.
And the next day, you ask? Well...our water heater started spewing hot water out of the top. The plumber pronounced it dead-on-arrival and we spent $800 for a new lunk of metal in the closet that I so desperately wanted to install a tankless water heater in. Except I found out it was going to cost about $3200. So the same day our water heater died, so did my dream of getting a new closet to store linens in.
Am I complaining? Yes. Am I okay with that? Yes. The last two months are a nice little snapshot of how I feel like the year has been. Full of trouble-shooting. Full of perseverance. Full of sickness. Yes, there have been little morsels of goodness along the way. I think God has given me those nudges through the year to help me make it through to 2012.
So, to 2011...I'm sure you're going to be a year I look back on with a love/hate relationship. Love because you made me grow. Hate because you really kind of sucked.
Here's to a new year. Thank God for new beginnings.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Fear
I have lived in fear for a long time. Fear of trusting that Jesus has my best interest at heart. Fear of losing control. Fear of letting go of the reigns. Fear of the anxiety that would accompany my practice of stepping back and trusting that He is going to care for me.
I was just reading Psalm 27 where David is telling God that He has confidence in Him and is joyfully watching and waiting for Him.
"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord...I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." - v. 5, 13-14
You can't make up the feeling of peace I had reading those words. My tendency to desire control over my circumstances and their outcomes does little but steal Jesus' peace in my life. So today (probably on ten different occasions) I'm going to be strong and take heart...and wait for the Lord.
Would your day look any different if you did the same thing with me?
P.S. - I promise to post some funny stories soon. I just have a lot of other things to share at the moment...but I will certainly get around to some light-hearted, tacky, and entertaining stuff when the time is right.
I was just reading Psalm 27 where David is telling God that He has confidence in Him and is joyfully watching and waiting for Him.
"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord...I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." - v. 5, 13-14
You can't make up the feeling of peace I had reading those words. My tendency to desire control over my circumstances and their outcomes does little but steal Jesus' peace in my life. So today (probably on ten different occasions) I'm going to be strong and take heart...and wait for the Lord.
Would your day look any different if you did the same thing with me?
P.S. - I promise to post some funny stories soon. I just have a lot of other things to share at the moment...but I will certainly get around to some light-hearted, tacky, and entertaining stuff when the time is right.
Monday, October 24, 2011
What if...?
Just some thoughts to ponder on a Monday afternoon...
What would the world look like if all started living like we mean it? I'm not naive. I know that the world we live in is a rough, ruthless place a lot of times. Trust me...I know. But really, what would the world start looking like if we started going against the flow? Not for the sake if being a "rebel." But for the sake of living a life with purpose and meaning.
Like looking people in the eyes and telling them that we love them. Like asking for forgiveness when we've screwed up. Like starting that business that you've always dreamed about. Like trusting a friend enough to share a deep, dark secret. Like telling someone you're going to pray for them...and then really praying for them...and then following up with them because you really do care. Like opening your home to a kid who's in desperate need of a loving family to care for him, unselfishly. Like loving someone, anyone enough until your heart breaks for them when they are struggling.
Tim McGraw is not a cheese-ball for singing a song like "Live Like You Were Dying." That song doesn't have to be something I just tear up to when it starts playing on the radio and then forgotten about. No...I'm choosing to live life to the fullest...making sure the people I love know it, fighting for the friendships that are worth it, and trusting that the God of the Universe is going to give me enough, every day I'm here, to live like I mean it.
What will your world look like if you live like you really mean it?
What would the world look like if all started living like we mean it? I'm not naive. I know that the world we live in is a rough, ruthless place a lot of times. Trust me...I know. But really, what would the world start looking like if we started going against the flow? Not for the sake if being a "rebel." But for the sake of living a life with purpose and meaning.
Like looking people in the eyes and telling them that we love them. Like asking for forgiveness when we've screwed up. Like starting that business that you've always dreamed about. Like trusting a friend enough to share a deep, dark secret. Like telling someone you're going to pray for them...and then really praying for them...and then following up with them because you really do care. Like opening your home to a kid who's in desperate need of a loving family to care for him, unselfishly. Like loving someone, anyone enough until your heart breaks for them when they are struggling.
Tim McGraw is not a cheese-ball for singing a song like "Live Like You Were Dying." That song doesn't have to be something I just tear up to when it starts playing on the radio and then forgotten about. No...I'm choosing to live life to the fullest...making sure the people I love know it, fighting for the friendships that are worth it, and trusting that the God of the Universe is going to give me enough, every day I'm here, to live like I mean it.
What will your world look like if you live like you really mean it?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Oh gently lay your head...
I just had a beautiful moment. Grant is in a cuddly mood tonight. It's a rarity. He sat in my lap after dinner and let me tickle his back while we were watching tv. I took him in to the bathroom for his bath. Poor kid just cried because he didn't want to sit in the water. He has a beast of a diaper rash after eating cheese enchiladas last night for my chosen birthday dinner.
I took him out of the water, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, put on his pj's, and started reading him a book. Normally, he lasts about 7.5 seconds before he gets distracted, we say a two-sentence good night prayer and he gets in his crib. This kid WILL NOT be rocked to sleep. He would much rather do it himself.
But tonight...it was different. We read an entire book entitled "I Love You More Than Rainbows." (Absolutely precious book, p.s.) I turned out the lamp and rocked him. I started singing.
Oh gently lay your head upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast but I will stay
The same in past, same in the future, same today
I am constant, I am near, I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy, I am wise, I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires.
Oh weary, tired, and worn let out your sigh
Drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light
I know you through and through, there's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide
I am constant, I am near, I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I took him out of the water, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, put on his pj's, and started reading him a book. Normally, he lasts about 7.5 seconds before he gets distracted, we say a two-sentence good night prayer and he gets in his crib. This kid WILL NOT be rocked to sleep. He would much rather do it himself.
But tonight...it was different. We read an entire book entitled "I Love You More Than Rainbows." (Absolutely precious book, p.s.) I turned out the lamp and rocked him. I started singing.
Oh gently lay your head upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast but I will stay
The same in past, same in the future, same today
I am constant, I am near, I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy, I am wise, I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires.
Oh weary, tired, and worn let out your sigh
Drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light
I know you through and through, there's no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide
I am constant, I am near, I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy, I am wise, I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires.
(Jill Phillips)
I had tears rolling down my face. I fight just like Grant normally does. I don't want to be held. I don't want to be rocked. I don't want to lay my head on His chest. I can do it myself. Yeah...right.
Do you know how much I love that kid? You mom's out there do. You probably love your kids the same way. And you know what? The amount I love him is only a sliver of the amount Jesus loves him...and how much Jesus loves me. It is not HUMANLY possible to love another the same way and same amount He loves us.
Oh gently lay your head upon my chest...Oh weary, tired and worn, let out your sigh...Drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light...I am peace that shatters all your secret fears...
Sounds good to me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Growing Pains
I've been avoiding blogging for a while now. It's not that I don't want to write...it's just that I have SO MUCH to write about. I feel like I can't even do it justice in a couple of posts. Therefore, it'll be years before I get it all out.
I've been on a roller-coaster lately the size of the Texas Giant, with the speed of the Batman, and the nausea of the Spinning Sombrero. Thankfully, the driver of the ride's name is Jesus. Glad He told me to buckle up.
Back at the end of August, I began a "training program" called Discovery in Dallas. Sort of a life-improvement seminar...but oh-so-much-more-than-that seminar. I go one weekend a month for three months in a row. I've been through the first two weekends and am eagerly anticipating the final weekend on October 15-16. One of the reasons I've been avoiding blogging is because I'm not sure exactly how to explain what I've been through. I can't tell you specifics of what goes on and how you come away with the lessons you learn which makes it a little difficult to share. It'd be like me telling you what every Christmas gift wrapped up under the tree was two weeks before Christmas. I don't want to ruin it for you! Because, let me tell you, there is not a soul in this world that I don't love enough to get to go through Discovery.
And now that you're utterly confused about what the heck I'm talking about, I'll tell you some of the things that the Lord has been teaching me lately.
- I've always thought I've been a pretty transparent person. Actually, people tell me that pretty often. They say they're glad I can be so honest and open about my life. Funny...I didn't even realize that I have all of these different masks that I put on...one even includes a mask that LOOKS like I'm transparent!
- I've been terrified that after you strip away all of my "achievements" (whether it be academic, social, personal, whatever), and I truly suck...I will be found unworthy
- I have a hard time trusting that God's plan is always good. I don't even give Him a chance to reveal what He's doing sometimes. (Not that I "beat" him to the punch...I'm just so caught up in my plans that I don't even see His)
- I'm tired of trying so hard. Trying to make people happy. Trying to prove myself. Trying to be "perfect." I set this bar for myself that's so high, I can barely keep me head above water to attain it.
Good news is I'm learning how to combat those issues. Learning how to take off my masks, love myself, trust that He is ALWAYS good, and to quit trying so dang hard. And really, honestly, and TRULY...it's working!!!
I was reading John 15:9 this afternoon. "As the Father has loved me," Jesus said, "so have I loved you." I've probably read that 50 times. The Father (God) and His Son (Jesus) have the most beautiful, real, loving relationship around. They are ONE. Never do anything apart from one another. Always know and believe they are LOVED by one another. And what that verse is saying is JESUS loves me the exact same way. Just as I am. No achievements. No strings attached. HE has made me worthy.
The last six weeks, I find myself walking around, singing the bridge to Chris Tomlin's version of "Amazing Grace" :
"My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing Grace."
It's going to take me a while to tell you about being chain-free, but I'll get there. And if you're interested in being chain-free yourself, let me know. I'd love to talk with you. Finally believing and living like I'm a peaceful and worthy woman is pretty awesome. The world out there is still the same old world with the same old problems. It's me that is different.
I've been on a roller-coaster lately the size of the Texas Giant, with the speed of the Batman, and the nausea of the Spinning Sombrero. Thankfully, the driver of the ride's name is Jesus. Glad He told me to buckle up.
Back at the end of August, I began a "training program" called Discovery in Dallas. Sort of a life-improvement seminar...but oh-so-much-more-than-that seminar. I go one weekend a month for three months in a row. I've been through the first two weekends and am eagerly anticipating the final weekend on October 15-16. One of the reasons I've been avoiding blogging is because I'm not sure exactly how to explain what I've been through. I can't tell you specifics of what goes on and how you come away with the lessons you learn which makes it a little difficult to share. It'd be like me telling you what every Christmas gift wrapped up under the tree was two weeks before Christmas. I don't want to ruin it for you! Because, let me tell you, there is not a soul in this world that I don't love enough to get to go through Discovery.
And now that you're utterly confused about what the heck I'm talking about, I'll tell you some of the things that the Lord has been teaching me lately.
- I've always thought I've been a pretty transparent person. Actually, people tell me that pretty often. They say they're glad I can be so honest and open about my life. Funny...I didn't even realize that I have all of these different masks that I put on...one even includes a mask that LOOKS like I'm transparent!
- I've been terrified that after you strip away all of my "achievements" (whether it be academic, social, personal, whatever), and I truly suck...I will be found unworthy
- I have a hard time trusting that God's plan is always good. I don't even give Him a chance to reveal what He's doing sometimes. (Not that I "beat" him to the punch...I'm just so caught up in my plans that I don't even see His)
- I'm tired of trying so hard. Trying to make people happy. Trying to prove myself. Trying to be "perfect." I set this bar for myself that's so high, I can barely keep me head above water to attain it.
Good news is I'm learning how to combat those issues. Learning how to take off my masks, love myself, trust that He is ALWAYS good, and to quit trying so dang hard. And really, honestly, and TRULY...it's working!!!
I was reading John 15:9 this afternoon. "As the Father has loved me," Jesus said, "so have I loved you." I've probably read that 50 times. The Father (God) and His Son (Jesus) have the most beautiful, real, loving relationship around. They are ONE. Never do anything apart from one another. Always know and believe they are LOVED by one another. And what that verse is saying is JESUS loves me the exact same way. Just as I am. No achievements. No strings attached. HE has made me worthy.
The last six weeks, I find myself walking around, singing the bridge to Chris Tomlin's version of "Amazing Grace" :
"My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing Grace."
It's going to take me a while to tell you about being chain-free, but I'll get there. And if you're interested in being chain-free yourself, let me know. I'd love to talk with you. Finally believing and living like I'm a peaceful and worthy woman is pretty awesome. The world out there is still the same old world with the same old problems. It's me that is different.
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