I've been avoiding blogging for a while now. It's not that I don't want to write...it's just that I have SO MUCH to write about. I feel like I can't even do it justice in a couple of posts. Therefore, it'll be years before I get it all out.
I've been on a roller-coaster lately the size of the Texas Giant, with the speed of the Batman, and the nausea of the Spinning Sombrero. Thankfully, the driver of the ride's name is Jesus. Glad He told me to buckle up.
Back at the end of August, I began a "training program" called Discovery in Dallas. Sort of a life-improvement seminar...but oh-so-much-more-than-that seminar. I go one weekend a month for three months in a row. I've been through the first two weekends and am eagerly anticipating the final weekend on October 15-16. One of the reasons I've been avoiding blogging is because I'm not sure exactly how to explain what I've been through. I can't tell you specifics of what goes on and how you come away with the lessons you learn which makes it a little difficult to share. It'd be like me telling you what every Christmas gift wrapped up under the tree was two weeks before Christmas. I don't want to ruin it for you! Because, let me tell you, there is not a soul in this world that I don't love enough to get to go through Discovery.
And now that you're utterly confused about what the heck I'm talking about, I'll tell you some of the things that the Lord has been teaching me lately.
- I've always thought I've been a pretty transparent person. Actually, people tell me that pretty often. They say they're glad I can be so honest and open about my life. Funny...I didn't even realize that I have all of these different masks that I put on...one even includes a mask that LOOKS like I'm transparent!
- I've been terrified that after you strip away all of my "achievements" (whether it be academic, social, personal, whatever), and I truly suck...I will be found unworthy
- I have a hard time trusting that God's plan is always good. I don't even give Him a chance to reveal what He's doing sometimes. (Not that I "beat" him to the punch...I'm just so caught up in my plans that I don't even see His)
- I'm tired of trying so hard. Trying to make people happy. Trying to prove myself. Trying to be "perfect." I set this bar for myself that's so high, I can barely keep me head above water to attain it.
Good news is I'm learning how to combat those issues. Learning how to take off my masks, love myself, trust that He is ALWAYS good, and to quit trying so dang hard. And really, honestly, and TRULY...it's working!!!
I was reading John 15:9 this afternoon. "As the Father has loved me," Jesus said, "so have I loved you." I've probably read that 50 times. The Father (God) and His Son (Jesus) have the most beautiful, real, loving relationship around. They are ONE. Never do anything apart from one another. Always know and believe they are LOVED by one another. And what that verse is saying is JESUS loves me the exact same way. Just as I am. No achievements. No strings attached. HE has made me worthy.
The last six weeks, I find myself walking around, singing the bridge to Chris Tomlin's version of "Amazing Grace" :
"My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing Grace."
It's going to take me a while to tell you about being chain-free, but I'll get there. And if you're interested in being chain-free yourself, let me know. I'd love to talk with you. Finally believing and living like I'm a peaceful and worthy woman is pretty awesome. The world out there is still the same old world with the same old problems. It's me that is different.