I have always been a "shoot-for-the-moon-and-if-you-fail-you'll-still-end-up-a-star" kind of person. (By the way, whoever came up with that quote should have put a disclaimer behind saying that should not apply to people who are already over-achievers because it will just create anxiety and chest pain...and discontentment.) I guess I'm also one who has the ability to think that the grass may just possibly be greener on the other side. (And no, Ben, I'm not talking about you.) Honestly, it's not a very fun way to live life most of the time.
I was folding clothes in our room a few days ago while Grant was doing one of his favorite things...pulling every book, journal, and magazine out of one of our nightstands and scattering them across the floor. He had pulled out an old journal of mine and it sat plopped open to September 20, 2006. I read it...and laughed. We had recently moved to Wichita Falls from Lubbock, Ben was working, waiting for his Bar results, and I had a job lead but no job. I pretty much sat around our apartment, took a potted mum outside every afternoon so it could get it's daily dose of sunlight, and waited for Ben to come home. So, my journal entry read:
"How I wish the Lord would have given me the gift of patience. It is so difficult for me to come to grips with the fact that "my plans" are not always "His plans."...I am struggling with finding contentment in where I'm at. I want to find a job. I want to find friends...but it all seems to be taking a while...Lord, please help me find peace in the place you have called us to. Help me enjoy a break from work...give me rest in You. Fill my heart with your love and faith and take me wherever You want me to go..."
Ha....well, I still suck at being content.
Some of the things I struggle with? I'd LOVE to work one day a week instead of two. (Seriously?! How many people would DIE to work two days a week?) We need more storage space in our house, therefore we have a long to-do list of building shelves and built-ins. Our bank accounts. My weight. (Which, p.s. I now weigh what I did before I became pregnant...but now, there's just these extra 10-15 pounds I'd love to lose...) The Texas heat. (Yes, it has been hot. Not sure what me complaining is going to do about it.) The dog hair all over the house. There are numerous woulda-been's, coulda-been's, and should-been's that cross into my life on a daily basis that I don't always handle well.
Paul, the master of contentment, said in 1 Corinthians 7:17, "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him." And in a letter to the church in Phillipi, he said "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plently. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:11-13)
If I'm being honest, a lot of times I read these verses and get really annoyed. PAUL - IT'S NOT THAT EASY!!! Once discontented, always discontented. And then sometimes I think...Oh wait, maybe there's something to what he's saying. If Paul found contentment while being beaten, abused, as an outcast, and in prison, maybe it is possible for me to find contentment in this life.
And that journal entry I read...here's an update. Those things I struggled with were given answers. Ben passed the Bar the first time around and got his results that November. I got a job (the one I had the lead on) and started that November. We found friends. AMAZING friends. We bought a house the following January and LOVE it. And my mum died. (The plant, that is.) If I would have been a little more content, I probably would have LOVED hanging out, reading, brushing up on my cooking skills, and enjoying some time to relax rather than do some of that and then just sit around, waiting for the fence gate to open so I could head into greener pastures. And isn't it funny...I found another slew of things to be discontented with...again!
So, in case you're struggling with contentment and get a little tight in the chest with anxiety like I do, please know that you're not the only one. If you're frustrated with your job, if your marriage is stale, if your bank account is not growing or even shrinking, if you feel like you've been "relegated" to being "just a mom" now, if your house is too small, or your butt's too big, if your husband is apathetic and now you are too...hang in there. I don't have the answers. However, I do know that He does. And He cares. And He really wants me to let Him teach me how to be content. So...let's stop and smell the roses. Let's enjoy the gifts that we have been given and the fact that we are alive to enjoy them. I mean...really try to enjoy them.
I think that when dealing with discontentment, our mind set shouldn't be, "This too shall pass." No...I think it should be, "This is where I'm supposed to be right now. And this, whatever this is, there is good in this." I'm not saying it's easy though. Hence the EXACT same struggles written about 5 years ago.
I think that when dealing with discontentment, our mind set shouldn't be, "This too shall pass." No...I think it should be, "This is where I'm supposed to be right now. And this, whatever this is, there is good in this." I'm not saying it's easy though. Hence the EXACT same struggles written about 5 years ago.
But I guess if Paul...the guy who used to be called Saul and HATED Jesus and everything that had to do with Him, learned how to be content while beaten and in chains, I bet there is still a possibility that we can find contentment, too.
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