Just rest and enjoy the ride

I know I've talked a lot about Grant's impending first birthday lately but it's just a really big milestone for me. We did have his birthday party this last weekend. It went off without a hitch. Minus the 109 degree weather during the party...that was outside. However, our huge pecan trees provided some much needed shade and the sprinkler kept the kids cool. And the cake...I know I'm biased, but I'm pretty sure that was the best devouring of cake I have ever seen at a first birthday party. Not only did he EAT half the cake, he also stuck his feet in it, wiped icing on Daddy's shirt, and looked comatose from the sugar binge after he finished. Seriously...this kid had never even had juice before. Talk about a shock for the tastebuds.

A year ago, I could only dream about getting to this point.

Pregnancy was a long, tough road for me. Physically, emotionally, spiritually...exhausting.

I've had type I diabetes since I was eight years old. Not the kind you get because you're older, or overweight, or have a family history of it. Type I diabetes is an autoimmune disorder...like rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, or chrons disease. My own immune system got a little confused and attacked the beta cells in my pancreas. Beta cells are what make insulin. Therefore, my body no longer makes it. The good guys are dead. I have to give myself insulin. I wear an insulin pump, but up until I got that in 2000, I was giving myself insulin injections about eight times a day. A big misnomer is that a diabetic can't eat sugar. That's not the case. I just have to count ALL of the carbohydrates I eat. So there's a little lesson on diabetes.

Back until the late 1970s and early 1980s, diabetic women were encouraged to not even get pregnant. The baby may have spina bifida, a heart defect, or at least be really big and a c-section would be the only delivery option. I want to say that the specialist in saw in Fort Worth told me that almost half of the babies who were carried to full term to diabetic moms were stillborn. That's a sobering statistic.

Good news is that medical advancements have been made and we've come a long way from those statistics. Those possibilities are all still very real, but not as common because the opportunities to monitor blood sugars and fetal development are so much better. God is good. Now, a type I diabetic mom can have a healthy child...but there's A LOT of work she has to put into it to make it happen.

So, back in October of 2009, I took a pregnancy test one morning at 4 a.m. and it was positive. Naturally, we are overjoyed that we would soon be parents to a precious little boy or girl. We told our family and closest friends so they could be excited alongside us. But as I smiled ear to ear as we shared the good news, my heart was so overwhelmed.

Oh my gosh...my blood sugars have to be PERFECT. (And here's another medical lesson for you: blood sugar management is an art, not a science. Just because I input the right amount of carbs into my pump doesn't mean that a piece of wheat bread with 12g of carbs is going to be digested the same as 12g of carbs in grapes. Or that when I exercise for 30 minutes on Monday morning that it'll lower by blood sugar the same amount on Tuesday morning. Or that my body will produce the same amount of hormones on Wednesday afternoon as it will on Thursday.) All I could think was...I can't screw up.

IT WAS OVERWHELMING. Doctors appointments weekly, diabetes educators weekly, sonograms weekly, working on a mother/baby unit, studying maternal/child health in nursing school, parents asking how my blood sugars were, doctors asking how my blood sugars were, AAAAHHHHH!!!! And still with all of that, I was my harshest critic. Meagan...YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT.

It's one thing to want to study hard to make good grades. But take that same concept and apply it to the health and wellbeing of your unborn child and the potential downfall of your kidneys? IT'S EXHAUSTING.

As I'm walking around, cool, calm, confident, and collected on the outside, my stomach was in knots, my heart was racing, and my brain kept saying...Meagan, don't screw up. This is on you. Grant's health...yeah, God is "in control," but this is on you.

One morning, being particularly tired, nauseous, and feeling fat, I was walking in our neighborhood. Walking is a release to me. It's when I think and pray and rejuvenate. I was on my favorite stretch of the walk under the tree-covered canopy over Berkeley. I was focusing on the uneven sidewalk under my feet, hoping to not fall and break an ankle. As I look up, I picture someone walking about 20 feet ahead of me. Don't really remember what he looks like. I just remember what he said. No, it wasn't audible. But it was spoken right to my heart.

"Meagan...look up. I've already walked the path ahead of you. I know where you're going. I created the path you're on. Just rest and enjoy the ride."

Yes, that mirrors a few Bible verses I've heard over and over and over. But on that morning, something clicked. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much or little I screw up, the Lord is still in control. I can't be perfect. Never have been. Never will be. I guess if I was perfect, I wouldn't need a Savior, huh? For the first time in my life, I felt like I had to hand over EVERYTHING to the Lord. I HAD NO CONTROL. No matter if I had my kidneys at the end of my pregnancy or if my child was born with a hole in his spinal cord...He has prepared the path before me, set my feet on it, knew every crack and stone on the uneven path, and wanted me to let go, let God, and enjoy the ride.

Of course, I still checked my blood sugar, exercised, took my insulin, and counted my carbs. God wasn't telling me to be lazy and stupid. He was telling me to rest and trust. I'm not going to lie and say that from that point on, I never worried or got anxious...because I did. It was and still is a daily battle I fight. But most nights when I would lay down, I wouldn't stay up and let my mind race over the "what-ifs" and "then-what's." There was a peace I would fall asleep with as I thanked the Lord for getting me through the day and trusted that His plans were intentional and good.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

And oh how we praise Him for the sweet, perfect, healthy child He gave us!